Got mistaken again last night
For Olympic diver Tom Daley.
That’s the third time this week.
The classically handsome features,
The tanned, toned physique,
That winning smile,
Just like Tom Daley.
A lot of people have said
We could be twins.
Coming out of Morrissons with a
Some yob shouts from the bottle bank,
Tom! Tom! Tom!
Tom Daley! Tom Daley!
It’s Tom Daley!
Swimmer bloke! Trampoline swimmer bloke!
Tom Daley! Divey swimmy divey divey
From the tv!
Tom Daley Tom Daley Tom Daley Tom Daley!
He then peered at me closer and said,
In the coffee shop,
Flapjack please and a decaf cappuccino
The barista above the steam gurgle machine
Says, half heartedly, ‘hon haley?’
And I say, what?
And she says,
‘hon haley? hon haley?
and I say what?
And she says,
I thought . . .
Sitting in the coffee shop
Avoiding eye contact
Tom Daley is one of my favourite athletes.
This is because of the way that Tom Daley dives.
Tom Daley climbs up the ladder and then
Tom Daley dives off of it and Tom Daley
Hits the water and then Tom Daley swims to the side
And Tom Daley climbs out of the pool.
You could buy Tom Daley an ice cream and Tom Daley
Is the sort who would say thank you for buying me
An ice cream because that’s the sort of person
That Tom Daley is.
I dreamed that he came round
And we chatted about Professor Brian Cox
And now his to shows, informative as they are,
Might be half an hour shorter
If he didn’t speak
The cat wanted to go out and
Tom Daley volunteered.
Come here, Kevin, he says,
The cats called Kevin.
Sometimes people mistake me for
Professor Brian Cox, too.
I’m not Tom Daley
But if I was I’d probably
Wear a false handlebar moustache
In case someone dropped their handbag
Into a river or a harbour
And a call went up among the throng,
‘Is anyone here an Olympic diver?’
Another invitation this week
To open a summer fete.
Just wear your swim shorts, the email said,
So we can put pictures in the staff magazine.
They thought I was you know you.
I’m fed up that
People use me just as a sex object.
Turned on the tv last night.
Happened to be on.
Just in time to see Tom Daley
Clambering up for another
Rocket ship from the springboard.
And the commentator said,
‘And now here’s something different,
It’s performance poet Robert Garnham’.